For Starters...

Here I Go!! Big Loser Contest Starts Jan. 20th!! If you haven't seen it posted on our Facebook, I was chosen (Jill) to be a contestant in the Big Loser Contest that is sponsored by one of our local radio stations here in St. George.

Planet 94.1

I haven't seen an episode of the actual television show (yet-- I need to Hulu it), but I get the gist: Weigh a lot, work out a lot, lose a lot.

On a personal note, it was extremely hard for me to enter the contest. It wasn't hard to come to grips that I need/have to loose weight--- it was hard to reveal for the first time some deep dark secrets in my life that have haunted me since I was really young. These secrets have compounded over the years and have aided in the complete deterioration of my self-esteem to the point where it's practically non-existent and where my self-image is blah at best.

So, I felt, in order to even give myself every fighting chance of completely changing my life, I have had to "come clean" with these ghosts--- put them out there and lay it ALL on the line. That way, these evil thoughts will have no place in my mind-- as I am out to beat them once and for all.

I am NOT thrilled about having friends, family and complete strangers know my true weight--- but it is what it is!

Again, I have to put all my demons out to get over them.

Here's my biggest secret...

When I was in middle school, there was this horrible, horribly mean girl who rode the same bus I did. Her name was April. She was the most popular girl in our middle school--- she was an 8th grader, I was in 6th grade.

My house was the last stop before heading to school. Although, my older brother was also riding the bus with me, there was always a seat for him.

That wasn't the case for me.

Nobody allowed me to sit with them. Often the bus was crowded as it was. Sometimes I had to sit on the very edge of the seat, barely keeping on the seat around corners and over bumps.

For those in the back of the bus, this was ammo for teasing me relentlessly.

Some how and for unknown reasons to me, they formulated the nickname, Smelly Ogre.

I was only in 6th grade. I wasn't fat, but I wasn't skinny.

It totally destroyed me. If I was sitting on the edge of the seat-- they'd make comments about how my butt was eating the seat--- or something retarded like that.

It was so horrible that I started waking up earlier just to walk several miles to the very first pick up point for the bus route. I met the bus driver and asked to get on before she started her route. At first she told me I couldn't do it, but she let me on.

Everyone wondered why I was on first.

It was the only way I could protect myself from harassment. I am sure they still found a way. I kept this up for as long as I could.

I have never ever been able to let that go. Those are the biggest emotional scars for me. I can't explain why that is--- it just is.

It didn't stop there. I have been laughed at because of my weight all of my life. Too many times to even begin to list.
I never dated in high school. I was asked out ONCE my freshman year by a senior who totally freaked me out so I don't even count that.
I missed all my homecomings. I went solo to my Senior Prom and only because the act of one of my true friends who offered to walk me out when they introduced the seniors--- was I not a solo act.

Now... I reveal all this not because I want sympathy or whatever... but, I just need to purge this from inside of me to get over these things.

It's more fuel for my upcoming battle.

I know that most of you that personally know me probably can't imagine me being negative--- but, I am totally negative to me. I am my worst enemy.

Hanging on to these memories is what brings me down time and time again.

I am doing myself the biggest favor: I am shedding these ghosts by shedding these emotional pounds that have stacked on over the years because a few rude people in the back of a middle school bus allowed me to think that I was worthless then and over the past 20-something years.

Here's to you, April.